So here’s me, a few weeks ago, rambling about a deck of playing cards I bought. I’m crossposting it from my chatlog with my friend Dagger because it amused me and hey maybe it will amuse y’all.

Here’s a preview of the kind of jokes I make:

schizoauthoress: /dying 
Ace of Clubs = AJ Styles 
King of Clubs = AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA 
Queen of Clubs = Bayley 
Jack of Clubs = Sneaky Knacker-mauler Shinsuke Nakamura

daggerpen: LMAO, of course it’s John Cena

schizoauthoress: Actually, hang on hang on, alternate joke….
Where in the world is the King of Clubs card? I can’t see it.

daggerpen: Hahahhaa

I like the WWE and I like collecting card decks (my first tarot deck was a gift, I bought my second one from a limited run, and I have lots of pretty versions of standard 52-card decks.)

Dagger lets me ramble about stuff and encourages my nerdery, for which I am forever grateful.

You’re Such a Card….

schizoauthoress: Woo, my ill advised purchase of both sets of the WWE playing cards is here!

daggerpen: Haha. Nice, though!

schizoauthoress: oh my god yes, they are © 2018
CURRENT ROSTER!

daggerpen: Oh man! Yeah that’s practically hot off the press

schizoauthoress: /dying of lol immediately
The Jokers

daggerpen: Oh?

schizoauthoress: The Jokers are Daniel Bryan and Kurt Angle
The Authority still hates Daniel Bryan!

daggerpen: Omg

schizoauthoress: oh hey Charlotte Flair is the Ace of Spades
I’m surprised it’s not Triple H, since he was friends with Lemmy from Motorhead
(maybe HHH is the Ace of Spades in the Legends pack… I bet he’d put himself there)

daggerpen: (That tracks.)

schizoauthoress: Ugh, they have Enzo Amore in the deck. I bet he was still on the roster when it went into production but… why is Enzo the King of Spades when Taker is in this suit also, dammit
fuck, okay, I’m not going to react to each card one at a time, that will take too long.

daggerpen: *kicks internet*
Can you see me?

schizoauthoress: Doo doo do do!
(Yes)

daggerpen: There we are.

schizoauthoress: actually i really like the look of these cards in general. Yeah it’s kinda busy compared to classic playing cards but I enjoy the black-and-white photo backgrounds with the color insets of the wrestlers

daggerpen: 1. King of Spades seems like it really should be Taker. Which one is he? I don’t think you said.
2. I’m glad that you like the look, too; they seemed a bit busy online, but online photos don’t always capture the actual look in person, y’know?

schizoauthoress:
Ace = Charlotte
King = Enzo
Queen = Sasha Banks (aka The Boss)
Jack = Dean Ambrose (aka The Lunatic Fringe)
10 = THE WOKEN WARRIOR Matt Hardy
9 = Undertaker
8 = Chris Jericho
7 = Sheamus
6 = Mr. Randall Keith Orton
5 = Triple H
4 = Asuka
3 = Natalya (Nattie Neidhart, AKA part of the Hart Family)
2 = Baron Corbin
A lot of the black-and-white imagery is the wrestlers in action shots. Exceptions:
Charlotte is doing her entrance, Sasha and Natalya are posing. Taker is doing the darkness salute. Triple H is doing is entrance at a Wrestlemania, the one where he looks like the fucking Kurgan
Also, weirdly, for Matt, they picked a still where his back was to the camera and his arms are raised, IDEK

daggerpen: Huh, odd
Also I am legit astonished that Taker is not a face card; he was basically the final boss of WWE for a while. He really should have been King and not Enzo

schizoauthoress: I personally was astonished that Cesaro wasn’t either 6 or 8… why NOT put the tag teams in the same suit? But anyway, I’m gonna move on to the Hearts
actually, why WASN’T Natalya in the Hearts, lol

daggerpen: Ha, good points both

schizoauthoress: WWE hire me you don’t know what you’re doing with your merch

daggerpen: LOL

schizoauthoress: Ace of Hearts, Brock Lesnar
oh that fits, because HE BROKE ALL OF OURS ALONG WITH THE STREAK

daggerpen: LMAO

schizoauthoress: /screaming
Roman Reigns as the King of Hearts

daggerpen: Oh my god.

schizoauthoress:
WWE: ACCEPT. THE. ROMAN.
Fans: N-no…. never!

daggerpen: I’m fucking losing it. I can’t believe they did that
Actually no I can believe it knowing everything I do about them

schizoauthoress: lol, I’m pretty sure that Brock’s black and white background is him giving the F5 to Roman Reigns XD

daggerpen: Hahaha

schizoauthoress:
Queen of Hearts = Alexa Bliss (the bully, Ms. Goddess Goddess Goddess)
Jack = Kevin Owens
10 = The Miz
9 = Xavier Woods (part of The New Day tag team)
8 = The Rock [I thought he was retired]
7 = Brie Bella
6 = Goldust
5 = Bray Wyatt [LMAO]
4 = Sin Cara [uh… ‘kay…]
3 = Jimmy Uso
2 = Big Show
I guess if they’re going to spread the tag teams all over the suits…? but seriously why split up the actual twins (the Bellas and the Usos)

daggerpen: Yeah, that’s really weird re: splitting up the tag teams/twins. I guess it might work if they gave each the same number/face card in different suits? But this just seems a bit all over the place.

schizoauthoress: I mean obviously they are not doing this at random
/cough cough King of Hearts

daggerpen: LMAO

schizoauthoress: /hack choke Joker Daniel Bryan

daggerpen: *giggle*

schizoauthoress: Excuse me! I have a frog in my throat I guess! (:P)

daggerpen: 😛

schizoauthoress: It’s almost like they said “okay let’s place some folks deliberately, because lulz, but everyone else goes in the randomizer”

/dying
Ace of Clubs = AJ Styles
King of Clubs = AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA
Queen of Clubs = Bayley
Jack of Clubs = Sneaky Knacker-mauler Shinsuke Nakamura

daggerpen: LMAO, of course it’s John Cena

schizoauthoress: Actually, hang on hang on, alternate joke….
Where in the world is the King of Clubs card? I can’t see it.

daggerpen: Hahahhaa

schizoauthoress: :3 :3 :3

daggerpen: You are a dork and ILU XD

schizoauthoress: actually, you got it right re: the twins – Nikki Bella and Jey Uso are in the Clubs suit and they have the same numbers as their twins
10 = Bobby Roode [GLORIOUS!]
9 = Kofi Kingston [another member of the New Day]
8 = Kane
7 = Nikki Bella
6 = Samoa Joe [the superior Samoan Joe! /glares at Roman]
5 = Neville
4 = Alicia Foxx
3 = Jey Uso
2 = Braun Strowman [THE MONSTER AMONG MEN!!!]

daggerpen: “[the superior Samoan Joe! /glares at Roman]”
LMAO

schizoauthoress: As I said before, I happen to like the man behind the character (Daddy’s gotta go earn college money), but I also like to make jokes at the character’s expense regarding Samoa Joe, since Roman’s real name is Leati Joseph Anoa’i.

daggerpen: *nodnod*
Yeah, the actor seems cool, but the character as written…

schizoauthoress: /giggle
Ha, Seth Rollins as the Ace of Diamonds!
Well, he is probably the best thing going for RAW right now (as the Intercontinental Champion) and he does make them money XD

daggerpen: Ha! That tracks, though XD

schizoauthoress: Big Cass as the King of Diamonds, boo! (you were dead on re: how they split the tag teams, since Cass was paired with Enzo before… everything)
Naomi as Queen of Diamonds, yay!
Jack = Finn Balor
10 = Jeff Hardy
9 = Big E [third member of the New Day]
8 = Jinder Mahal [meh]
7 = Cesaro
6 = Carmella [/Pavlovian wince in anticipation of her screeching]
5= Fandango
4 = Bo Dallas [lolwut]
3 = Rhyno
2 = Becky Lynch
I’m still deeply confused by the inclusion of the Rock – so far as I know, he’s entirely retired and just comes back sometimes to host…?

daggerpen: Yeah, that’s weird?
Also boo re: Big Cass, but yay re: Naomi! (Also, yeah, the tag team thing makes sense now.)

schizoauthoress: oh
The Rock is also considered a part-timer
I guess I can’t bitch too much about them including part timers
/hugs Taker and Kane cards to chest

daggerpen: Haha. Yeah, Taker and Kane were must-haves; I’m not surprised they relaxed the inclusion standards that way